When I started this at the beginning of the semester my hopes were for it to last through the end of the semester, writing a post once a week. So far I've been doing just that, but now, I've reached a point to where I don't see the purpose finishing it to the end of the semester. Frankly, I see this as the end.
But for the sake of the few I know to actually be following this, and for my own sanity when I look back upon this, I will not leave without explanation.
First, you must know why this whole shenanigan even started. After Winter Break of 2010 I was completely "single" and content. That meaning I didn't have my eyes set on anyone, not one guy. To understand the rarity of this, you should know that it has only happened once before and during the first time, I had wanted to force myself into being asexual. But in my defense, it seemed more plausible than you'd think. A, guys weren't boyfriends or sex buddies to me, they were just time-passers, I only really enjoyed their company and the chase. B, I never had a boyfriend or sex, and the lack of potential in the place I once resided made it easier never to desire much. (Obviously I moved and that failed.)
It hasn't been long since then, but I learned something in that short time period: love. To sum up my take on love, I'll refer you to 39:50 of the movie (500) Days of Summer, played on commentary.
Being in love with someone is not about owning them…Love, in my not so humble opinion, shouldn’t be about an agenda or an end game; it should be present and it should kind of—’flow‘—happens how it happens.
This is what Joseph Gordon Levitt had said during the commentary for the scene where Summer invites Tom over for the first time. One of the guys also commenting interrupts him at the end with one word, the word "flow."
I once knew a guy who taught me love. He was the first guy I really struggled with. The first whom I wanted to make a real relationship with and for reasons I hardly knew. I finally confronted him trying to push him into the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, being naive and all. And he tells me, "Why can't you just let things flow." Of course this was right after I had watched my favorite movie for the 999th time, but now it meant so much more.
See, it seems as if everyone in today's society is afraid of "love" and I don't mean of relationships but of admitting to that feeling. I wondered why I can so easily move from one guy to the next and I've realized it's because I chase the feeling, I don't really want to settle, I just want to feel connected to someone, even if it's never the same someone. Because it isn't about the "agenda," the whole boyfriend/girlfriend label nor is it about the "end game," there should be no goal or finish line when it comes to our feelings.
For me, love was that purity. Since, I never sought anything but feeling that kind of happiness and I even went to the extreme of planning to get "(39:50)" tattooed on my body. Chasing that feeling was always my top priority and I didn't want to be afraid of anyone knowing that. This was the point of the blog and the tattoo.
But here is where the end begins. I'm not getting that tat anymore, and not because I stopped believing in it but because I no longer want to. In my opinion, people generally don't cherish bonds between each other as much as people did in past decades. For the longest time I've fought the movement of being completely independent, but now I see myself conforming to the future.
So here is to being mainstream and forcing myself to put my education before all else. And from now on, the only person I can blame for disappointment is myself. This is Day (1).
