I suppose I realized I had strange attractions to guys when I found myself more interested in them after hearing of their unsettling past.
Exhibit A: I once had a good friend I'd spend every waking moment small-talking with. But as the majority of high school stories go, he was completely off limits. That fact hadn't killed me until the night we actually had a "deep" conversation. Not about love, or politics, or any of the sort, but death.
We shared our strangest childhood thoughts on the topic. The fact that every time I'm in the back seat of a car staring out at a highway I think about all the ways the car could crash. The fact that every time he's returning home alone he thinks about [a thought not to be shared with any other persons]. The fact that [the only person I ever received nothing but support from]'s murder changed me. The fact that his father's death changed him. And not a moment of awkwardness occurred. But the urge to pursue was always greater since.
We shared our strangest childhood thoughts on the topic. The fact that every time I'm in the back seat of a car staring out at a highway I think about all the ways the car could crash. The fact that every time he's returning home alone he thinks about [a thought not to be shared with any other persons]. The fact that [the only person I ever received nothing but support from]'s murder changed me. The fact that his father's death changed him. And not a moment of awkwardness occurred. But the urge to pursue was always greater since.
Exhibit B: When one finds out that someone has been behind bars before, especially at a considerably young age, they are usually quick to judge that someone as worthless, without character, generally a negative image occurs. This was the case with one of the more recent guys whom have stumbled in my path. Though, he is a "sketch" as they say, and was probably nothing good for me, what I held inside was my attraction to his distress. More literally, my attraction to his sincerity when he spoke of his past and the reasons behind all of his mishaps. (The truth is, someone very dear to me has been locked up for reasons of their own, the most caring person I have ever known in fact. Not only to me, their blood, but I've witness their love to be the kindest towards those who can look past their rep.) And maybe I have been annoyed by his casual bragging of stealing designer items—designer wallets I am sure he's told me of but designer wrist watches I've never heard or seen—but there was so much heart in the end of that night's conversation that makes it hard to refuse, that made me never say "Goodbye."
Any guy could have his emotional issues, but only few can admit to their distress allowing themselves to become vulnerable.
Ever watched Little Miss Sunshine? Two words: Paul Dano.
This is number six.
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